We need to address the accent.

I know some of you are pondering, calculating. Some of you won’t be able to relax until you know once and for all: is she a scouser? And if so has she had a stroke? No, and no. I am from North Wales – THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT! DON’T LET IT UPSET YOU!

I only bring it up because I had an audition recently.

(- Wow she's an actress as well?

- Yeah, she’s obviously one talented bastard.

- Well, now I’m starting to feel threatened. I can’t compete with that. I’m turning against her, what can this wonderwoman have to say that’s of any relevance to my shit life?

- Wait! Hold your horses. Let’s see what she does next. Maybe she’ll tell a story of self-deprecation, something that’ll prove that really, even though she is a mega talented brain stuck in the beautiful head of a high street honey, she’s just like us shmucks.

-Ok.)

So I had an audition recently. I didn’t really know what I was up for, I was chatting with the producer who told me that:

"Laura is a Cambridge graduate...."

...the window of opportunity narrows slightly…

"...she’s a meteorologist..."

...another weak point I must admit...

"...and she's from the West Midlands."

That's it then. Buggered. I can’t do accents. As previously addressed I can’t even do my own accent.

So I do the audition and she tells me straight away "I'm sorry, your accent's a problem". And I said “fair fucks” (I didn't say "fair fucks" obviously, because I was brought up, not dragged up, but that was the general idea of my response – cheerful acceptance). And if she’d left it there, it would’ve been fine. She didn’t leave it there though did she? No. She explained:

"After all, it’s set in the 1930s".

To which I responded: “Yes of course. How perceptive of you. It’s so obvious now. As we all know there were no Welsh people in the 1930s. No, I remember now, I saw it in a documentary; it wasn’t until the 40s that a few rogue English people started acting a bit weird, speaking exclusively in consonants, making copious amounts of cheese on toast, yes! And then finally King George said ENOUGH! I’M SICK OF THEIR BEAUTIFUL VOICES SINGING ALL OVER ME! I’M SICK OF THEM HOGGING ALL THE DELICIOUS LEEKS! I’M SICK OF HEARING CATATONIA’S INTERNATIONAL VELVET ON REPEAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ONE OF THE FINEST ALBUMS OF THE 90S! I’M SICK OF THEM NEVER CLEANING THE GRILL AFTER MAKING THE CHEESE ON TOAST! JUST ROUND THEM UP AND PUT THEM OVER THERE. OVER THERE! THINK ABOUT IT! THINK ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOUR! WALES – ENGLAND’S NAUGHTY CORNER!

So that's why I'm addressing the accent and that's why I didn’t get that job.