Hard Times.

These are hard times, ladies and gentlemen. Desperate times. I was updating my C.V. the other day. Is there any more depressing chore? Your entire life, every skill, every experience, every achievement, reduced to two exquisitely formatted sides of A4. Agonising over which font to use; you need something which isn’t too fancy but reflects your personality. Calibri? Times New Roman? PAH. These are the fonts of DRONES. Palatino Linotype, Bookman Old Style, BASKERVILLE OLD FACE, something that says that there's a human being at the other end of this document - with thoughts and dreams and aspirations - that's what you need. Painstakingly proofread over and over, even though you know in your heart of hearts of hearts no one is ever going to read it. Because it's all about the punchy little blurb at the top where you define yourself by your key characteristics.

I’m flexible and self-motivated...

I’m diligent and resourceful...

I’m a hard-working individual with a genuine passion for retail / catering / competitive spear-fishing...

Just once in my life I'd like to get a job interview and say "look, I am skint, I am desperate, this is my arse, this is my elbow, just give me some money you pigtards!”

But I've got something very special on my C.V. that I think will serve me very well indeed. I'm going to share it with you in an act of altruism. Let’s be honest, you need it more than I do.

I'll just set the scene.

(A manager opens a link to C.V. He's visibly impressed, murmuring things like "beautifully formatted...excellent choice of font..." etc. He stops, stunned. He picks up the phone, and frantically punches a number)

MANAGER: Jones? Get me the boss man, chop chop. (pause) Sir? I'm sorry to disturb you but it's about this C.V. we've received from one Michelle Thomas. Yes sir...yes sir, she's more than qualified, but that's not it. She says she works well as an individual - I know that's impressive in itself, sir, but wait, there's more -she says she works well as an individual AND…. as part of a team. She's CRACKED THE CODE sir, it’s UNCANNY, how did she KNOW that was exactly what we're looking for? You're right sir, I'll resign and give her my job, she deserves it more.

We need to address the accent.

I know some of you are pondering, calculating. Some of you won’t be able to relax until you know once and for all: is she a scouser? And if so has she had a stroke? No, and no. I am from North Wales – THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT! DON’T LET IT UPSET YOU!

I only bring it up because I had an audition recently.

(- Wow she's an actress as well?

- Yeah, she’s obviously one talented bastard.

- Well, now I’m starting to feel threatened. I can’t compete with that. I’m turning against her, what can this wonderwoman have to say that’s of any relevance to my shit life?

- Wait! Hold your horses. Let’s see what she does next. Maybe she’ll tell a story of self-deprecation, something that’ll prove that really, even though she is a mega talented brain stuck in the beautiful head of a high street honey, she’s just like us shmucks.

-Ok.)

So I had an audition recently. I didn’t really know what I was up for, I was chatting with the producer who told me that:

"Laura is a Cambridge graduate...."

...the window of opportunity narrows slightly…

"...she’s a meteorologist..."

...another weak point I must admit...

"...and she's from the West Midlands."

That's it then. Buggered. I can’t do accents. As previously addressed I can’t even do my own accent.

So I do the audition and she tells me straight away "I'm sorry, your accent's a problem". And I said “fair fucks” (I didn't say "fair fucks" obviously, because I was brought up, not dragged up, but that was the general idea of my response – cheerful acceptance). And if she’d left it there, it would’ve been fine. She didn’t leave it there though did she? No. She explained:

"After all, it’s set in the 1930s".

To which I responded: “Yes of course. How perceptive of you. It’s so obvious now. As we all know there were no Welsh people in the 1930s. No, I remember now, I saw it in a documentary; it wasn’t until the 40s that a few rogue English people started acting a bit weird, speaking exclusively in consonants, making copious amounts of cheese on toast, yes! And then finally King George said ENOUGH! I’M SICK OF THEIR BEAUTIFUL VOICES SINGING ALL OVER ME! I’M SICK OF THEM HOGGING ALL THE DELICIOUS LEEKS! I’M SICK OF HEARING CATATONIA’S INTERNATIONAL VELVET ON REPEAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ONE OF THE FINEST ALBUMS OF THE 90S! I’M SICK OF THEM NEVER CLEANING THE GRILL AFTER MAKING THE CHEESE ON TOAST! JUST ROUND THEM UP AND PUT THEM OVER THERE. OVER THERE! THINK ABOUT IT! THINK ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOUR! WALES – ENGLAND’S NAUGHTY CORNER!

So that's why I'm addressing the accent and that's why I didn’t get that job.

Procrastination in Preston - Boymen Butchers and Aural Physics.

Today was going to be a day of ACTION. Of GETTING SHIT DONE. Of COMPLETING TASKS. But the library didn’t have wifi so I ended up reading six and a half graphic novels. These are:

MIRROR MASK by Neil Gaiman

I Like My Job by Sarah Herman (meh)

Incognegro by Mat Johnson (v. good)

The Adventuress by Audrey Niffenegger

The ACME Novelty Library Number 18 – no other credits, interesting

White Out by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber (this was the half- it was very good)

Urgh, I’m in Costa. Gwenda’s coffee was better than this stuff.

Why am I such a dick? I honestly think there’s some good stuff in my head, but it’s not going to get out if I keep being distracted by shiny nice things. I picked up The Dylan Dog Case Files but I didn’t get into it because I knew I’d be there all day. I was there all day anyway but never mind.

Around me were a few old men. One of the younger ones smelt a bit funky. Outside the library / museum is where the homeless congregate. A lot of them are ex-army. Around 4pm I became aware of a gentle snore. I tried to identify where it’s coming from but because it’s such an enclosed space and he’s not far away from me – only a couple of shelving units one way or the other – it was quite hard to tell.

HYPOTHESIS OF THE DAY – THE NEARER THE SOURCE OF A SOUND IS TO YOU IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE, THE MORE DIFFICULT IT IS TO TELL WHERE IT’S COMING FROM. If the man was snoring in an airport or a train station for example, I’m pretty sure I could identify where he was. But in that enclosed space, it was difficult. So I investigated. Turned out he was in the corner by the window, surrounded by newspapers with his feet up.

I decided to cook Chris my SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE SURPRISE (the surprise is that he’s not expecting it). I also bought him a scratch card. I went to the market to the butchers. There’s a particular butchers I like because it’s where all the boy butchers go to practice being men – allrightLOVEwhat’llitbeLOVEwhatyouavingforyourteaLOVEthereyagoLOVEcheersLOVE. It’s very sweet. I buy a pound of mince. The boyman asks me whether I’ve just finished work. I say I’ve just left the library. He asks me – what do you do there then, just sit there all day and read books? His enquiry is one of genuine curiosity, I detect no scorn or judgment in his voice, but I feel guilty – I’ve been sitting on my arse reading about a girl who lives in a caravan which is covered in her drawings and one day she falls asleep on the roof and wakes up INSIDE one of her drawings where some people are made of books and some people are half-book-half-cats and she’s got to defeat the evil princess WHICH TURNS OUT TO BE HERSELF trying to defeat HER to get away from THE EVIL QUEEN and he’s been up since 4.30am barehand wrestling cows and skinning them and mashing their flesh for me to chuck in a pan with a shop-bought sauce. I say yeah (sheepish) hasn’t been a very productive day, and buy another pound of mince by way of apology for being shit.

Copy for The Opera Group's Bow Down

“There were two sisters who will die, One drowns wet and one drowns dry”

The Opera Group in association with London Sinfonietta will present Bow Down in Summer 2012. This macabre folk tale, originally devised in 1977 by Harrison Birtwistle and Tony Harrison, Bow Down is redevised by Frederic Wake-Walker in his directorial debut for The Opera Group, and brought to percussive and visceral life by nine young interdisciplinary performers.

A Blind Harpist recounts a sinister tale of thwarted desire, unnatural betrayal and violent jealousy. When the Fair Sister is courted by the Suitor, the Dark Sister commits a terrible act of betrayal. As her crime echoes through the land and through the ages, so she receives bloody retribution in the parable’s brutal conclusion.

Evocative of the narratives of Grimm, Federico Garcia Lorca and Sarah Kane in its exploration of repression, sex and death, this ancient murder ballad – of which numerous variants exist in Britain, Scandinavia and America – is reimagined for a diverse contemporary audience.

http://www.theoperagroup.co.uk/?p=1476

How to make domino spirals out of 1000 hardback books.

From naked bike rides to an unusual version of dominos via the mysteries of gaffa tape, arts graduate Michelle Thomas fills us in on what she's learnt from her placement at an opera company through the DCMS/Jerwood Creative Bursaries Scheme.

Eight months. Blimey.

Eight months since I arrived in London with a suitcase, a friend’s floor to sleep on and a new job: Creative Associate at The Opera Group.

Having earned my degree in Theatre Practice in 2009 and spending the following year in Bristol concentrating on my own work and collaborating with numerous companies and artists, I: a) needed a full time job – a priority I shared with some 40,000 unemployed graduates at that time; b) needed a full time job that I didn’t actively dislike (ditto); c) wanted to move to London.

Reasons why the role of Creative Associate at The Opera Group feels tailor-made for me

• I’m being paid to do something I enjoy and have previously done for free.
• I feel this role will help me continue to find creative work that I am good at and that I enjoy.
• It gives me the opportunity to make a genuine contribution to new and exciting work.
• I got to move to London! The Capital! Just around the corner from The London Eye and Big Ben and The Queen!

I have done so much in so little time. I helped produce my first opera, Save the Diva, within two months. I have toured the country twice - once with two shows simultaneously. I have been inspired, scared, thrilled, perplexed, frustrated, proud and occasionally been so busy I forgot to breathe.

Some Truths I Have Learnt

• A helium balloon must be at least 5 inches in circumference before inflation in order to float.
• It is acceptable to carry a spear on public transport as part of a Valkyrie costume as long as it is covered up and “not used in a threatening or provocative manner”.
• Microsoft Excel is a harsh mistress to the uninitiated.
• One particularly surreal day at the office involved arranging bouquets in the room next to where theatre and film director Ian Rickson was holding auditions for Ophelia. I'd hoped he’d take my being there doing what I was doing as a sign that I should be given the role. He didn’t. Fair enough.
• Due to a happy scheduling coincidence, I heroically stage-managed Save the Diva at an unusual event without giggling or crying.
• If it moves when it shouldn’t: Gaffa Tape. If it should move and doesn’t: WD40 – Techie Wisdom

How to make domino spirals out of 1,000 hardback books

“Ok folks, the books needs to be roughly equidistant, with the spines facing the audience. If the book’s even a tiny bit wobbly, get rid. It’s too big a risk, and there are plenty of spares – we’ve got the complete works of Danielle Steele back there. No, no, no – look, that gap’s far too big, that book won’t hit that book and the whole thing will just grind to a halt.

"Corners are tricky – use lots of light, thin books to minimise the risk of failure – heavy ones are harder to topple. Use the heavy ones at junctions - I favour the encyclopaedias but the big books of Scottish law are also good - but you need to make sure there’s a chunky book before it to make sure it goes.

"No, no, stay away from there, that bit of the stage is particularly springy and I’ve already built that row three times. Right, keep an eye out for five prop books. They’re the ones with singed edges. Ooh, speaking of which, when you’re building the table out of books, be careful not to block the trough where the flame paste goes. Yes, all these books have been flambarred, that’s what that chalky residue is. Make sure you wash your hands afterwards.”

(Making the set for Seven Angels)

More truth

During my time on this placement, I have accepted what I have known for a long time: that I need to make my own work as a theatre practitioner.

I have been inspired by watching John Fulljames, co-founder of The Opera Group and now Associate Director of Opera at theRoyal Opera House, in the rehearsal room, and in my meetings with my mentor David Harradine, Artistic Director of performance company Fevered Sleep. I showed him my work (shyly) and he has given me so much encouragement and support I feel bound to commit myself to create, make and to do.

It’s difficult for me to articulate how much I’ve benefitted from this placement – because it doesn’t feel like one. To the credit of my employers, at no point have I felt like a trainee, or a student, or anything other than an employee – a professional - at a definitive stage in her career. I am the sum of my experiences, and my time at The Opera Group has been a significant one. Personal experience informs creative endeavour, and the lessons I have learned at The Opera Group – as stage manager, a producer, and researcher – will absolutely guide me in the choices I make as a freelance practitioner.