Hard Times.

These are hard times, ladies and gentlemen. Desperate times. I was updating my C.V. the other day. Is there any more depressing chore? Your entire life, every skill, every experience, every achievement, reduced to two exquisitely formatted sides of A4. Agonising over which font to use; you need something which isn’t too fancy but reflects your personality. Calibri? Times New Roman? PAH. These are the fonts of DRONES. Palatino Linotype, Bookman Old Style, BASKERVILLE OLD FACE, something that says that there's a human being at the other end of this document - with thoughts and dreams and aspirations - that's what you need. Painstakingly proofread over and over, even though you know in your heart of hearts of hearts no one is ever going to read it. Because it's all about the punchy little blurb at the top where you define yourself by your key characteristics.

I’m flexible and self-motivated...

I’m diligent and resourceful...

I’m a hard-working individual with a genuine passion for retail / catering / competitive spear-fishing...

Just once in my life I'd like to get a job interview and say "look, I am skint, I am desperate, this is my arse, this is my elbow, just give me some money you pigtards!”

But I've got something very special on my C.V. that I think will serve me very well indeed. I'm going to share it with you in an act of altruism. Let’s be honest, you need it more than I do.

I'll just set the scene.

(A manager opens a link to C.V. He's visibly impressed, murmuring things like "beautifully formatted...excellent choice of font..." etc. He stops, stunned. He picks up the phone, and frantically punches a number)

MANAGER: Jones? Get me the boss man, chop chop. (pause) Sir? I'm sorry to disturb you but it's about this C.V. we've received from one Michelle Thomas. Yes sir...yes sir, she's more than qualified, but that's not it. She says she works well as an individual - I know that's impressive in itself, sir, but wait, there's more -she says she works well as an individual AND…. as part of a team. She's CRACKED THE CODE sir, it’s UNCANNY, how did she KNOW that was exactly what we're looking for? You're right sir, I'll resign and give her my job, she deserves it more.